"This moment for you really is resilient, because you are facing [the legacy of bipolar] it and letting it in. Otherwise it would be fake resilience. You can slide away from things and use quasi denial, and not want to face it, and that looks resilient to the world, but that starts to crack. If you have been through this kind of shit, there’s stuff to face. If you are reacting when you hear and read this stuff, that is good. That means your inner self is waking up and saying, 'Me, me! I know about that.' Giving yourself a season to pay attention to that takes strength. I think humility is very big. Doing what looks strong on the outside isn’t always real strength. In the end, everyone has to face real emotions." - Dr. Ellen Luborsky, Psychotherapist
I interviewed Dr. Ellen Luborsky in connection with the book I am writing about the adult offspring of depressed parents. Dr. Luborsky has written professionally about depression and has worked with many grown children of the depressed.
I have taken a three month break from writing about resilience and depression. I am finding that this work brings up a lot of emotions for me. Coincidentally, my mother's struggle with bipolar disorder has taken a negative turn during this period. Facing this topic forcefully and directly is often painful.
My major obstacle in completing this work is affirming my own resilience. Fortunately, interviewing psychology experts and working with my own therapist has reinforced my confidence. The quote above illustrates the kind of encouragement I have received as a result of reaching out.
The ability to reach out and connect is actually the major predictor for psychological resilience. I am a big communicator and have thrived through connection all of my life. I use social networking and blogging not so that I can live in a fish bowl, but so that I can consistently reach out to others in the midst of parenting two young children and self-motivating on my own project.
I am decidedly resuming work on my book, and also on this blog. I haven't stopped reaching out, and I don't plan to. An integral part of this practice is my spritual column for Patch.com. Patch is local news, and I love that, because it is a way to work on a smaller scale, and to do, as Mother Teresa said, "small things with great love." For each column I connect with an individual or group in my community. Global begins with local.
In addition to the column, I am going to post regular entries here. I am excited about coming out of a reflective and nurturing period and sharing the benefits I am gaining with anyone who is interested.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Discernment: The Internal Authority Figure
“If your friends told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?” Did your parents ever ask you that question in relation to peer pressure? I definitely remember hearing it and thinking that my parents were unoriginal, to say the least. Nonetheless, this trite rhetorical question serves as a reminder to navigate life with our own compass. “If your GPS tells you to drive straight into the ocean, will you follow it?” There’s an updated version.
I have been interviewing a lot of advisers lately. I write a local column about spirituality, Spirit Beat. The column features a different spiritual perspective or practice each week. To write Spirit Beat, I have to connect with people who are on a spiritual path. Most of these people are in the business of helping others, so they have theories and advice to share. I truly enjoy listening to and writing about all of them. This process is helping me to connect with my community and to define my own spirituality.
While I love gathering various theosophical perspectives, I have to be careful to remain detached from the work. On a personal level, I have to exercise discernment. Discernment is defined as “keenness of insight and judgment.” I believe that discernment is personal to each one of us. Only we know what is going to work for us and what is not. Only I know what perspectives are enriching to me and will help me to make sense of my life and relationships.
As children, we are constantly bombarded by messages from authority figures. Everyone tells us how to be and what to do: our parents, school principals, teachers, counselors, aunts and uncles. As adults, we don’t necessarily think about being guided by authority figures, but we are. Many people relate to doctors as authority figures. “She wrote me a prescription for this medication, so I have to take it.” Accountants are financial authority figures. Lawyers, psychologists and real estate agents advise us. We may not think of following professional advice as an act of obedience, but any time we surrender control of our own will to comply with someone else’s opinion, we are giving our power away. Of course, we willingly cede to the advice of others when it benefits us and when we need help. This is obviously the right thing to do, for our own self-preservation.
In following the advice of other people, whether hired professionals or trusted friends, it is a good idea to check in with our inner guidance. If my doctor tells me to take a medication that I think I do not need, I am going to research it and decide for myself. I have done this in the past and found out later that I was improperly diagnosed. By contrast, on an interpersonal level, I find myself listening not only to the people I interview for my column, but to almost anyone who has an opinion to share with me. I really want to know what people think and more often than not, I will give a lot of thought to what they say. I internally give other people the same credence that I give myself. This tendency of mine can be a real handicap. I care too much about the opinions of others, to the point that I second guess my own choices. I know I am not alone in this predicament. So what is the solution?
When reacting to external information from any source, we need to become empowered internally. We need to access the authority figure within us. We can listen to the words. We can genuinely like the person who is talking. In most instances, if someone is advising you they are well-meaning. That’s why we don’t shoot Jehovah’s Witnesses. Even if we don’t like the missionary, we can respect the mission. That doesn’t mean that we have to comply with the advice or even take it seriously. This is where discernment comes in. Am I able to separate what someone is telling me from what I personally believe to be true? Can I hold their advice up to the light of my own truth? I am finding out that I can. I can respect you and me, and follow my own path all the same.
How am I applying this with respect to Spirit Beat? I listen to what people say. I generally admire the individual expertise of each person. When I am able to sort out the information I have gathered, I give myself some mental space. This space allows me the room to change my own mind if I want to. That way I can incorporate new things I learn. In this space, I can also interview myself. “How do you feel about this? How does this compare to what you believe?” It is a moment where I simultaneously open up and create a boundary. I don’t want to be closed, but my mind needs shelter. Within the structure of my internal wisdom, there is always room for an outside perspective.
We can call on our powers of discernment in every informational exchange. It is an ability we tend to forget we possess. We live in a culture where people read headlines and run for cover. We don’t have to be those people. You are at the center of your school, and you are your own guidance counselor. If you are confused about a class, knock on the counselor’s door and talk it out. You’ll be glad you did.
I have been interviewing a lot of advisers lately. I write a local column about spirituality, Spirit Beat. The column features a different spiritual perspective or practice each week. To write Spirit Beat, I have to connect with people who are on a spiritual path. Most of these people are in the business of helping others, so they have theories and advice to share. I truly enjoy listening to and writing about all of them. This process is helping me to connect with my community and to define my own spirituality.
While I love gathering various theosophical perspectives, I have to be careful to remain detached from the work. On a personal level, I have to exercise discernment. Discernment is defined as “keenness of insight and judgment.” I believe that discernment is personal to each one of us. Only we know what is going to work for us and what is not. Only I know what perspectives are enriching to me and will help me to make sense of my life and relationships.
As children, we are constantly bombarded by messages from authority figures. Everyone tells us how to be and what to do: our parents, school principals, teachers, counselors, aunts and uncles. As adults, we don’t necessarily think about being guided by authority figures, but we are. Many people relate to doctors as authority figures. “She wrote me a prescription for this medication, so I have to take it.” Accountants are financial authority figures. Lawyers, psychologists and real estate agents advise us. We may not think of following professional advice as an act of obedience, but any time we surrender control of our own will to comply with someone else’s opinion, we are giving our power away. Of course, we willingly cede to the advice of others when it benefits us and when we need help. This is obviously the right thing to do, for our own self-preservation.
In following the advice of other people, whether hired professionals or trusted friends, it is a good idea to check in with our inner guidance. If my doctor tells me to take a medication that I think I do not need, I am going to research it and decide for myself. I have done this in the past and found out later that I was improperly diagnosed. By contrast, on an interpersonal level, I find myself listening not only to the people I interview for my column, but to almost anyone who has an opinion to share with me. I really want to know what people think and more often than not, I will give a lot of thought to what they say. I internally give other people the same credence that I give myself. This tendency of mine can be a real handicap. I care too much about the opinions of others, to the point that I second guess my own choices. I know I am not alone in this predicament. So what is the solution?
When reacting to external information from any source, we need to become empowered internally. We need to access the authority figure within us. We can listen to the words. We can genuinely like the person who is talking. In most instances, if someone is advising you they are well-meaning. That’s why we don’t shoot Jehovah’s Witnesses. Even if we don’t like the missionary, we can respect the mission. That doesn’t mean that we have to comply with the advice or even take it seriously. This is where discernment comes in. Am I able to separate what someone is telling me from what I personally believe to be true? Can I hold their advice up to the light of my own truth? I am finding out that I can. I can respect you and me, and follow my own path all the same.
How am I applying this with respect to Spirit Beat? I listen to what people say. I generally admire the individual expertise of each person. When I am able to sort out the information I have gathered, I give myself some mental space. This space allows me the room to change my own mind if I want to. That way I can incorporate new things I learn. In this space, I can also interview myself. “How do you feel about this? How does this compare to what you believe?” It is a moment where I simultaneously open up and create a boundary. I don’t want to be closed, but my mind needs shelter. Within the structure of my internal wisdom, there is always room for an outside perspective.
We can call on our powers of discernment in every informational exchange. It is an ability we tend to forget we possess. We live in a culture where people read headlines and run for cover. We don’t have to be those people. You are at the center of your school, and you are your own guidance counselor. If you are confused about a class, knock on the counselor’s door and talk it out. You’ll be glad you did.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Eye Splinters
A former boss and friend told me, "Sometimes it's better to be alone than in the company of the wrong people." Today as I switched the car radio to WNYE, I heard this advice, "Positive thoughts, positive people, positive outcome." How can we surround ourselves with positive people that uplift us with their words and energy? We make definitive choices about who we spend time with, but we must also give out what we wish to receive. The latter is the greater challenge.
I want to be around more positive people, so I am focusing on my own thoughts. Are they positive? Are my words positive? If not, then I won't attract the type of people I'd like to meet. It is often said, "Like attracts like," and as I look back through my life I see how true this is. My friends and partners have reflected the values and priorities I have held through time. I consciously chose them, but I also unconsciously attracted them.
Currently I would love to meet people who are more focused on the heart and less focused on the ego. The ironic part of that is my new tendency to look for ego-centered behaviors in others. As I focus on posturing and self-importance in the people I meet, I judge them. In this act of judging, I am putting out the type of negative energy I seek to avoid. I would do better to let go of any judgments and simply act like the person I want to hang out with. If I encourage others when I would like to be encouraged, listen when I would like to be heard and give love when I would like to receive it, I will be surrounded with support. This is how I want to start living.
This concept also works within existing relationships. Do you want your child to calm down? Take a moment to get centered yourself, and then ask him to chill out. Do you wish your spouse would open up to you more often? Try being more open yourself. Take the initiative when you feel you have lost touch with a friend. As my husband likes to say, “The phone works both ways.”
Displaying the qualities you are looking for in others can change the dynamic of a group, as well. I have seen this recently in yoga class. It always helps when the teacher sets the tone of the class, but students can also impact the vibe. Sunday I attended a class that I usually avoid. When I walked in the people who weren’t talking loudly were already in headstands or arm balances. I feel that the class attracts type-A personalities and show-offs, but that thought is not going to help me get through the class. I tried closing my eyes and meditating on my mat until the class started. I found that the students near me were quieter and less active as a result. Of course, when the teacher started by asking, “What do you guys want to do?” and someone replied, “Kick ass!” I did not yell, “Namaste, motherfuckers!” like I wanted to. That was probably a good move. I do consciously avoid the class as a rule, just as I might avoid certain people. All the same, if I miss a favorite class and need a makeup, I can still get my practice in and enjoy it. For all I know, the teacher may take it in a different direction or my perceptions of the class could shift. Maybe next week I’ll be positive about “kicking ass.”
“Be the change you wish to see in the world,” taught Mahatma Gandhi. To get an idea of how to adjust my attitudes, I am making a list of all outward changes I would like to see. I will list everything I want for myself and the people in my life. Then I will study that list and attempt to embody it. If I start there, I am less likely to injure myself. Jesus taught, “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” Sounds painful, doesn’t it?
I want to be around more positive people, so I am focusing on my own thoughts. Are they positive? Are my words positive? If not, then I won't attract the type of people I'd like to meet. It is often said, "Like attracts like," and as I look back through my life I see how true this is. My friends and partners have reflected the values and priorities I have held through time. I consciously chose them, but I also unconsciously attracted them.
Currently I would love to meet people who are more focused on the heart and less focused on the ego. The ironic part of that is my new tendency to look for ego-centered behaviors in others. As I focus on posturing and self-importance in the people I meet, I judge them. In this act of judging, I am putting out the type of negative energy I seek to avoid. I would do better to let go of any judgments and simply act like the person I want to hang out with. If I encourage others when I would like to be encouraged, listen when I would like to be heard and give love when I would like to receive it, I will be surrounded with support. This is how I want to start living.
This concept also works within existing relationships. Do you want your child to calm down? Take a moment to get centered yourself, and then ask him to chill out. Do you wish your spouse would open up to you more often? Try being more open yourself. Take the initiative when you feel you have lost touch with a friend. As my husband likes to say, “The phone works both ways.”
Displaying the qualities you are looking for in others can change the dynamic of a group, as well. I have seen this recently in yoga class. It always helps when the teacher sets the tone of the class, but students can also impact the vibe. Sunday I attended a class that I usually avoid. When I walked in the people who weren’t talking loudly were already in headstands or arm balances. I feel that the class attracts type-A personalities and show-offs, but that thought is not going to help me get through the class. I tried closing my eyes and meditating on my mat until the class started. I found that the students near me were quieter and less active as a result. Of course, when the teacher started by asking, “What do you guys want to do?” and someone replied, “Kick ass!” I did not yell, “Namaste, motherfuckers!” like I wanted to. That was probably a good move. I do consciously avoid the class as a rule, just as I might avoid certain people. All the same, if I miss a favorite class and need a makeup, I can still get my practice in and enjoy it. For all I know, the teacher may take it in a different direction or my perceptions of the class could shift. Maybe next week I’ll be positive about “kicking ass.”
“Be the change you wish to see in the world,” taught Mahatma Gandhi. To get an idea of how to adjust my attitudes, I am making a list of all outward changes I would like to see. I will list everything I want for myself and the people in my life. Then I will study that list and attempt to embody it. If I start there, I am less likely to injure myself. Jesus taught, “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” Sounds painful, doesn’t it?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The Value of Religious Affiliation
I made the decision to have my 2 and 3 year old sons baptized at the church where I was christened as a baby. We had the opportunity to celebrate their baptism this past Sunday on a week-long visit to my hometown. Since we do not have a church of our own, my husband and I were grateful for the support of my mother’s Lutheran church community.
When my father asked me why I chose to baptize my children, I began to articulate my individual beliefs. I do not belong to a church and my spiritual practices are in no way institutionalized. This is true for the majority of Americans and applies particularly to my generation. Nonetheless, most parents I know have held some sort of religious ceremony for their infants or young children. In March, I attended a bris for the first time. My twin nephews were recently baptized. Following these events, I thought more seriously about planning a baptism for my own sons.
My father is adamantly opposed to organized religion. I have many friends and acquaintances who agree with him. Religion can be divisive and exclusionary. Fundamentalist religious practices have caused great harm to humanity by spreading fear, hatred and violence. Christianity in particular is associated with intolerance, war and genocide. My Dad wanted to know how it was possible for me to baptize my children into a church that continues to ostracize homosexuals and includes teachings about Hell in its liturgy. Since I had already given it some thought, my answers to his questions came easily.
Institutions are created by and for humans. Human behavior does not follow simple patterns. No person is all good or all bad. Pitting good vs. evil is convenient, but simplistic. I find it impossible to separate institutions from the people that created them. I have yet to see one political, religious or social movement that does no harm. I made a common argument to my father; Christian institutions have acted both beneficially and destructively over history. He replied that I might say the same thing about the Nazis. For obvious reasons, I disagree. I continue to believe that our relationships with institutions are much like our relationships with individuals: we take what good we can from them, attempt to exist peacefully with them and support or oppose them according to our conscience. One iron-clad approach does not fit all. I do not fully condone or contest any person or any group.
I do not oppose any religion. I understand the energy of opposition. Formerly I worked in the law and will likely re-enter the practice in the future. I know how to entrench myself in a cause. Lawyers argue one side of an issue irrespective of their personal beliefs. In litigation and transactional practice, the law requires adherence to one side. Many people who are not lawyers live life in that way, supporting Y and opposing X, an approach that I find myopic. Resistance requires force and the outcome often disappoints. Hence, I try to spend less time resisting and more time cooperating.
Religious rites are acts of tribal affiliation. This is particularly evident in marriage and baptism rituals. Humans find comfort in belonging. We commemorate our belonging to a larger group through adherence to cultural rites. Our spiritual inclinations are organized into religious systems. When we affiliate with a religion, we affirm our belonging to a tribe. Christianity historically united a large number of tribes under one banner. Human tribes go to war with one another; they also create favorable alliances. If we evolve in another direction and tribal loyalties become obsolete, religion may one day disappear. The importance of religion in modern Western society is diminishing, but in many parts of the world religion continues to dominate thought and behavior. Even in our part of the world, most every person interacts with a religious institution on some level. It takes effort to avoid all weddings, funerals, and any other events with a presiding religious official. Religion has an impact on our lives, irrespective of what we believe.
Choosing to baptize a child is a clear and direct action in support of Christianity. When I chose to have my sons baptized in the same church and by the pastor who baptized me, I affirmed my ancestry. I affirmed my cultural heritage. I affirmed a church community. I also affirmed a part of who I am and what I believe. While I do not endorse every belief and practice of the Lutheran church, I cannot dismiss it as the initial source of my religious education. I am very grateful for the education I received and for the love and support that was shown to me as a child in the church where I was confirmed and had my first communion. I will not dismiss the value of affiliation in the nurturance of a child. It is important to belong; this is an undeniable human need. Religious rituals for children are intended to be sweet and memorable occasions, and for our family, this intent was preserved.
In preparation for my sons’ baptism, I promised the two presiding pastors that I would educate my sons in the Christian tradition. Indeed, I intend for my children to learn about the Old and New Testaments of the Bible. In addition to the Hebrew and Christian Bibles, I intend for them to study the texts of all spiritual traditions. As they get older, I would like to be able to talk about the Bhagavad Gita, the Koran, the Tao Teh Ching, the Yoga Sutras, the Vedas, the Upanishads and any other texts that we can discover together. I will teach them not to hate, exclude or discriminate. I will attempt to raise them in an open and affirming tradition. As a family, we will honor the divine within ourselves through respecting these outward expressions of divinity. At the same time, my sons will benefit from the context of a particular familial and cultural tradition.
When my father asked me why I chose to baptize my children, I began to articulate my individual beliefs. I do not belong to a church and my spiritual practices are in no way institutionalized. This is true for the majority of Americans and applies particularly to my generation. Nonetheless, most parents I know have held some sort of religious ceremony for their infants or young children. In March, I attended a bris for the first time. My twin nephews were recently baptized. Following these events, I thought more seriously about planning a baptism for my own sons.
My father is adamantly opposed to organized religion. I have many friends and acquaintances who agree with him. Religion can be divisive and exclusionary. Fundamentalist religious practices have caused great harm to humanity by spreading fear, hatred and violence. Christianity in particular is associated with intolerance, war and genocide. My Dad wanted to know how it was possible for me to baptize my children into a church that continues to ostracize homosexuals and includes teachings about Hell in its liturgy. Since I had already given it some thought, my answers to his questions came easily.
Institutions are created by and for humans. Human behavior does not follow simple patterns. No person is all good or all bad. Pitting good vs. evil is convenient, but simplistic. I find it impossible to separate institutions from the people that created them. I have yet to see one political, religious or social movement that does no harm. I made a common argument to my father; Christian institutions have acted both beneficially and destructively over history. He replied that I might say the same thing about the Nazis. For obvious reasons, I disagree. I continue to believe that our relationships with institutions are much like our relationships with individuals: we take what good we can from them, attempt to exist peacefully with them and support or oppose them according to our conscience. One iron-clad approach does not fit all. I do not fully condone or contest any person or any group.
I do not oppose any religion. I understand the energy of opposition. Formerly I worked in the law and will likely re-enter the practice in the future. I know how to entrench myself in a cause. Lawyers argue one side of an issue irrespective of their personal beliefs. In litigation and transactional practice, the law requires adherence to one side. Many people who are not lawyers live life in that way, supporting Y and opposing X, an approach that I find myopic. Resistance requires force and the outcome often disappoints. Hence, I try to spend less time resisting and more time cooperating.
Religious rites are acts of tribal affiliation. This is particularly evident in marriage and baptism rituals. Humans find comfort in belonging. We commemorate our belonging to a larger group through adherence to cultural rites. Our spiritual inclinations are organized into religious systems. When we affiliate with a religion, we affirm our belonging to a tribe. Christianity historically united a large number of tribes under one banner. Human tribes go to war with one another; they also create favorable alliances. If we evolve in another direction and tribal loyalties become obsolete, religion may one day disappear. The importance of religion in modern Western society is diminishing, but in many parts of the world religion continues to dominate thought and behavior. Even in our part of the world, most every person interacts with a religious institution on some level. It takes effort to avoid all weddings, funerals, and any other events with a presiding religious official. Religion has an impact on our lives, irrespective of what we believe.
Choosing to baptize a child is a clear and direct action in support of Christianity. When I chose to have my sons baptized in the same church and by the pastor who baptized me, I affirmed my ancestry. I affirmed my cultural heritage. I affirmed a church community. I also affirmed a part of who I am and what I believe. While I do not endorse every belief and practice of the Lutheran church, I cannot dismiss it as the initial source of my religious education. I am very grateful for the education I received and for the love and support that was shown to me as a child in the church where I was confirmed and had my first communion. I will not dismiss the value of affiliation in the nurturance of a child. It is important to belong; this is an undeniable human need. Religious rituals for children are intended to be sweet and memorable occasions, and for our family, this intent was preserved.
In preparation for my sons’ baptism, I promised the two presiding pastors that I would educate my sons in the Christian tradition. Indeed, I intend for my children to learn about the Old and New Testaments of the Bible. In addition to the Hebrew and Christian Bibles, I intend for them to study the texts of all spiritual traditions. As they get older, I would like to be able to talk about the Bhagavad Gita, the Koran, the Tao Teh Ching, the Yoga Sutras, the Vedas, the Upanishads and any other texts that we can discover together. I will teach them not to hate, exclude or discriminate. I will attempt to raise them in an open and affirming tradition. As a family, we will honor the divine within ourselves through respecting these outward expressions of divinity. At the same time, my sons will benefit from the context of a particular familial and cultural tradition.
Monday, June 7, 2010
The Nanny
"When I am a mother, I am never going to do what she does." Words like those always come back to haunt you. Opinions I had as a twenty-two year old nanny in Paris have changed now that I am a mom.
There are some similarities between me and the mother of the two boys I nannied as a graduate student. I remember greatly admiring my boss. She was a beautiful Parisian fashion designer who worked for a famous department store. Her husband was a sculptor and film set designer who traveled the world for his job. They were the epitome of cool. I was happy to find out that she had her kids in her mid-thirties. That was my plan, too. She had two boys close in age. That's not something you can plan, but eventually so did I.
I now find that my critiques of the hip parents I worked for are behaviors I am repeating. I used to wonder why these working parents wanted me to come take their kids out of the house on Saturdays. My boss told me she needed some time alone to sleep in and do yoga. I admittedly thought this was selfish and that she should want to be with her sons on both of her days off. I don't work full time, but I do find myself using childcare hours to do yoga. What was it she loved so much about yoga that would take her away from her children? Now I know. Now I am "that mom."
Sleep is never fully appreciated until yours is constantly interrupted or you are forced to awaken at the crack of dawn every single morning. In my life, there is no sleeping in unless my husband is kind enough to get up with the kids and take them out for breakfast. I try to do the same for him on occasion. When I worked for the hip Parisians, the father was frequently traveling for work so this was not an option for my boss. Of course she wanted me to come early on Saturdays and let her get some rest. I am now incredulous that I ever questioned this routine. It was her life saver!
As I served dinner to two small boys who clamored for their "Maman," I wondered why she didn't make it home for dinner more often. After all, weren't families supposed to be together for the evening meal? Now I see that most working moms are lucky to have dinner with their children and the dads have this option only on weekends. Moreover, a quiet dinner without children is the ultimate luxury for my husband and me. While we are unusual in that we feed our boys dinner most nights, we know that we are in the minority in New York, and probably most metropolitan areas.
I was always stunned at the frequency of her childrens' illnesses. Could they possibly be sick again? I hoped I would not catch their viruses... or head lice. Unfortunately, I couldn't escape the lice and had nightmares about this for a full 10 years. Now when my own kids get sick every six weeks, it is a small hiccup. We have nearly every remedy on hand. I call our pediatrician more than my friends. Luckily, I never worry about catching things anymore--an attitude I share with the pediatrician!
"These boys have no discipline!" This was my thinking as I carried kicking and screaming children from the playground when it was time to leave. Now, I have learned to trick my sons with elaborate bribery so they will leave the park without a fuss. If we are having an off day, we get sympathetic stares as red faced, dirt covered toddlers are whisked away in a fit of angst. Oh how the mighty have fallen!
"Judge not lest ye be judged." Yes, Jesus, I hear you. And I am thankful. I am thankful that in so many ways my life resembles that of the boss I once so carelessly judged. She was the proud mama of two happy, rambunctious boys and now I am, too. She was unapologetic about needing her own time and space, and so am I. She loved her kids and she knew how to love herself, too. More than her sophisticated style, this earned her my admiration.
There are some similarities between me and the mother of the two boys I nannied as a graduate student. I remember greatly admiring my boss. She was a beautiful Parisian fashion designer who worked for a famous department store. Her husband was a sculptor and film set designer who traveled the world for his job. They were the epitome of cool. I was happy to find out that she had her kids in her mid-thirties. That was my plan, too. She had two boys close in age. That's not something you can plan, but eventually so did I.
I now find that my critiques of the hip parents I worked for are behaviors I am repeating. I used to wonder why these working parents wanted me to come take their kids out of the house on Saturdays. My boss told me she needed some time alone to sleep in and do yoga. I admittedly thought this was selfish and that she should want to be with her sons on both of her days off. I don't work full time, but I do find myself using childcare hours to do yoga. What was it she loved so much about yoga that would take her away from her children? Now I know. Now I am "that mom."
Sleep is never fully appreciated until yours is constantly interrupted or you are forced to awaken at the crack of dawn every single morning. In my life, there is no sleeping in unless my husband is kind enough to get up with the kids and take them out for breakfast. I try to do the same for him on occasion. When I worked for the hip Parisians, the father was frequently traveling for work so this was not an option for my boss. Of course she wanted me to come early on Saturdays and let her get some rest. I am now incredulous that I ever questioned this routine. It was her life saver!
As I served dinner to two small boys who clamored for their "Maman," I wondered why she didn't make it home for dinner more often. After all, weren't families supposed to be together for the evening meal? Now I see that most working moms are lucky to have dinner with their children and the dads have this option only on weekends. Moreover, a quiet dinner without children is the ultimate luxury for my husband and me. While we are unusual in that we feed our boys dinner most nights, we know that we are in the minority in New York, and probably most metropolitan areas.
I was always stunned at the frequency of her childrens' illnesses. Could they possibly be sick again? I hoped I would not catch their viruses... or head lice. Unfortunately, I couldn't escape the lice and had nightmares about this for a full 10 years. Now when my own kids get sick every six weeks, it is a small hiccup. We have nearly every remedy on hand. I call our pediatrician more than my friends. Luckily, I never worry about catching things anymore--an attitude I share with the pediatrician!
"These boys have no discipline!" This was my thinking as I carried kicking and screaming children from the playground when it was time to leave. Now, I have learned to trick my sons with elaborate bribery so they will leave the park without a fuss. If we are having an off day, we get sympathetic stares as red faced, dirt covered toddlers are whisked away in a fit of angst. Oh how the mighty have fallen!
"Judge not lest ye be judged." Yes, Jesus, I hear you. And I am thankful. I am thankful that in so many ways my life resembles that of the boss I once so carelessly judged. She was the proud mama of two happy, rambunctious boys and now I am, too. She was unapologetic about needing her own time and space, and so am I. She loved her kids and she knew how to love herself, too. More than her sophisticated style, this earned her my admiration.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Efficient, not Cool: Yoga and Me
Today my Sunday yoga instructor opened her class with a brief discussion of this article in the New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/25/fashion/25yoga.html?
The article is entitled "A Yoga Manifesto." Apparently the spirituality of yoga is becoming more chic and pricey. The instructors are turning into high profile "rock stars" with attitudes. Students are paying $125 per month for memberships to reputable studios. A really good mat can set you back $100. There are designer lines of yoga wear. I have seen these phenomena and the article is good reporting. Of course, these elements exist in the yoga climate. Nonetheless, I am oblivious to the "cool" aspects of yoga.
Here is why I do yoga: I don't have time to do cardio, lift weights and go to church regularly. I feel like yoga gives me more bang for my buck and greater satisfaction for time spent. Yoga does have a spiritual aspect, even if people hate the word "spiritual." If letting go of everyday preoccupations and quieting your mind so that you can balance for longer in eagle pose does not appear spiritual on the surface, then ask yourself if reciting a liturgy while thinking about your grocery list is spiritual. Is it? What the hell is spirituality, anyway? I have nothing against going to churches, temples or making a pilgrimage to mecca. I think those are all commendable uses of time. Personally, with my two toddlers, I'm not going. I'll take a rain check.
I hear people tell me they don't like yoga because they need to run on the treadmill and lift weights after class just to get a good workout. For other people, this may be true. Personally, I get physically spent enough in a good yoga class that I don't need extra cardio and weight training. When I used to work out in the traditional gym fashion, I spent twice the amount of time at the gym as I do now in yoga classes. After thirty minutes of cardio I would go to the machines and do repetitions. I never lasted long in this routine because I find cardio machines and weights incredibly boring. In addition, I never got the muscle definition and postural benefits that I see now.
Another thing I keep hearing about yoga is that it has become a sort of bandwagon for middle aged women. Now this I can see. I am approaching middle age, at 38. I can't imagine that I would be anyone's definition of cool, living in the suburbs with my two kids and my crossover SUV. I don't have any celebrity contacts. I don't frequent trendy restaurants. I never see live theater anymore. I barely get a chance to see a movie (note that I don't call it a film). I do yoga to maintain physical, mental and yes, spiritual balance, without circuit training at the gym or attending Bible studies. I find yoga to be an efficient use of my time.
Does it work? Absolutely. When I started yoga I didn't expect to drop to a size 4 without dieting 22 months after the birth of my second child. I didn't know that my sleeping patterns would become almost as predictable as those of my children. I didn't plan on synchronizing my meditation practice with a physical routine. I never saw myself as a spiritual chanting type, but now I truly enjoy maintaining a steady "om" in the right key. I feel reconnected to my childhood roots in dance class, music lessons and church. I really do. As far as I can remember, those things were never trendy.
The article is entitled "A Yoga Manifesto." Apparently the spirituality of yoga is becoming more chic and pricey. The instructors are turning into high profile "rock stars" with attitudes. Students are paying $125 per month for memberships to reputable studios. A really good mat can set you back $100. There are designer lines of yoga wear. I have seen these phenomena and the article is good reporting. Of course, these elements exist in the yoga climate. Nonetheless, I am oblivious to the "cool" aspects of yoga.
Here is why I do yoga: I don't have time to do cardio, lift weights and go to church regularly. I feel like yoga gives me more bang for my buck and greater satisfaction for time spent. Yoga does have a spiritual aspect, even if people hate the word "spiritual." If letting go of everyday preoccupations and quieting your mind so that you can balance for longer in eagle pose does not appear spiritual on the surface, then ask yourself if reciting a liturgy while thinking about your grocery list is spiritual. Is it? What the hell is spirituality, anyway? I have nothing against going to churches, temples or making a pilgrimage to mecca. I think those are all commendable uses of time. Personally, with my two toddlers, I'm not going. I'll take a rain check.
I hear people tell me they don't like yoga because they need to run on the treadmill and lift weights after class just to get a good workout. For other people, this may be true. Personally, I get physically spent enough in a good yoga class that I don't need extra cardio and weight training. When I used to work out in the traditional gym fashion, I spent twice the amount of time at the gym as I do now in yoga classes. After thirty minutes of cardio I would go to the machines and do repetitions. I never lasted long in this routine because I find cardio machines and weights incredibly boring. In addition, I never got the muscle definition and postural benefits that I see now.
Another thing I keep hearing about yoga is that it has become a sort of bandwagon for middle aged women. Now this I can see. I am approaching middle age, at 38. I can't imagine that I would be anyone's definition of cool, living in the suburbs with my two kids and my crossover SUV. I don't have any celebrity contacts. I don't frequent trendy restaurants. I never see live theater anymore. I barely get a chance to see a movie (note that I don't call it a film). I do yoga to maintain physical, mental and yes, spiritual balance, without circuit training at the gym or attending Bible studies. I find yoga to be an efficient use of my time.
Does it work? Absolutely. When I started yoga I didn't expect to drop to a size 4 without dieting 22 months after the birth of my second child. I didn't know that my sleeping patterns would become almost as predictable as those of my children. I didn't plan on synchronizing my meditation practice with a physical routine. I never saw myself as a spiritual chanting type, but now I truly enjoy maintaining a steady "om" in the right key. I feel reconnected to my childhood roots in dance class, music lessons and church. I really do. As far as I can remember, those things were never trendy.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Acceptance of Dis-ease
What is your first thought when you or a loved one gets sick? How do you feel about illness? Take a moment and answer that question for yourself. Then ask yourself how you feel about your body right now. Are you aware of it? Are you indifferent, pleased, concerned or annoyed? Do you accept your body as it is? There are no incorrect answers. These questions are subjective and individual.
Many spiritual teachers and alternative healers tell us that we create the conditions in our body with our thoughts. Do you agree with this, and if so, to what extent?
I recently watched a recorded speech given by Eckhart Tolle. He spoke about the death of human bodies. He said “bodies dissolve.” He did not limit talk of death to the elderly, but he did mention that as we get older we start to look around and notice more and more bodies dissolving. I liked the terms he used to speak of illness and death. I listen to Eckhart because he is accepting of the human condition and he radiates compassion.
I like my body. I accept it. I take care of it by eating well, avoiding most toxins and exercising regularly.
I do not consciously fear death. In the past I was afraid of illness. My attitude with respect to illness has changed dramatically in recent years. I was fortunate enough to be extremely healthy for 34 years. To this day, I consider myself healthy.
At the age of 35, I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. My diagnosis came months after I contracted Lyme. Initially I experienced a painful nerve injury which paralyzed the left side of my face. I partially recovered from this injury. I also experienced back and neck pain, insomnia, fatigue, mental fog and a heart arrhythmia with a partial block. After a month of treatment with antibiotics, most of those symptoms subsided. I forgot about Lyme for the most part.
In recent weeks I am experiencing some of my initial symptoms again. I am looking into Lyme disease recurrence or what some people call “chronic Lyme.” I am not sure if it applies to me or if my symptoms can be explained by something else. I am amazed once again by how great I felt before the Lyme and also after receiving the antibiotic treatment. I don’t even feel all that bad now. I doubt that the Lyme and the ensuing symptoms are the result of my thoughts. I am not saying this is impossible. I simply doubt the theory.
Illness can be psychosomatic. Illnesses are often brought on by stress. Negative thinking patterns are certainly unhealthy. At the same time, all of us experience illness. We show love to ourselves and others by responding to illness with compassion. As we progress spiritually, we learn to accept phenomena rather than resisting. I love acceptance and what it can do for me. I feel better when I accept temporary and even permanent discomfort rather than resisting with my will, my feelings and my thoughts. I don’t like the dualistic view that puts illness and death at odds with wellness and life.
Most likely you have heard of or read Louise Hay. She is a revolutionary healer, teacher and writer. Metaphysicians, alternative healers and holistic minded people everywhere respect her work. She has authored multiple best sellers. In her books, You Can Heal Your Body and You Can Heal Your Life, she has a fairly comprehensive List of physical ailments followed by their probable mental causes and recommended affirmations for overcoming the ailments. Like many alternative healers, she refers to illness as “dis-ease,” a condition that disrupts the natural state of ease. She does not have a cause listed for Lyme dis-ease, but she does address malaria, a related illness. The probable cause of malaria in Hay’s List is, “Out of balance with nature and with life.” On an unrelated note, her listed probable cause for fistula is, “Fear. A blockage in the letting-go process.” If you have not heard of fistula, you may want to google it. I donate to a wonderful charity for this dis-ease: http://www.fightfistula.org/
The term “dis-ease” calls to mind the Four Noble Truths of Dukkha in Buddhist teachings. The philosophical meaning of dukkha is analogous to “disquietude,” as in the condition of being disturbed. The term is usually translated as suffering. Here is a definition from Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta: Setting the Wheel of Dharma in Motion: “Now this, monks, is the Noble Truth of dukkha: Birth is dukkha, aging is dukkha, death is dukkha; sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief, & despair are dukkha; association with the unbeloved is dukkha; separation from the loved is dukkha; not getting what is wanted is dukkha. In short, the five clinging-aggregates are dukkha.”
My approach to overcoming disquietude of any form is to accept it and find peace through meditation, prayer, yoga and other spiritual practices. I also try to pinpoint any thoughts that may contribute to disquietude, but I don’t have a set of affirmations or a plan to combat bodily discomfort through changing my thoughts. I accept some of my negative thoughts and feelings. I don’t particularly like dualism so I try not to spend too much time parsing out the good and bad in my mind. I feel that this could lead to obsessive thoughts and behaviors. I like the idea of letting go of thoughts, even if I am rarely able to do so.
I accept dis-ease as part of life. I am grateful for the opportunity that illness provides to care for myself and my loved ones with more love and diligence.
Many spiritual teachers and alternative healers tell us that we create the conditions in our body with our thoughts. Do you agree with this, and if so, to what extent?
I recently watched a recorded speech given by Eckhart Tolle. He spoke about the death of human bodies. He said “bodies dissolve.” He did not limit talk of death to the elderly, but he did mention that as we get older we start to look around and notice more and more bodies dissolving. I liked the terms he used to speak of illness and death. I listen to Eckhart because he is accepting of the human condition and he radiates compassion.
I like my body. I accept it. I take care of it by eating well, avoiding most toxins and exercising regularly.
I do not consciously fear death. In the past I was afraid of illness. My attitude with respect to illness has changed dramatically in recent years. I was fortunate enough to be extremely healthy for 34 years. To this day, I consider myself healthy.
At the age of 35, I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. My diagnosis came months after I contracted Lyme. Initially I experienced a painful nerve injury which paralyzed the left side of my face. I partially recovered from this injury. I also experienced back and neck pain, insomnia, fatigue, mental fog and a heart arrhythmia with a partial block. After a month of treatment with antibiotics, most of those symptoms subsided. I forgot about Lyme for the most part.
In recent weeks I am experiencing some of my initial symptoms again. I am looking into Lyme disease recurrence or what some people call “chronic Lyme.” I am not sure if it applies to me or if my symptoms can be explained by something else. I am amazed once again by how great I felt before the Lyme and also after receiving the antibiotic treatment. I don’t even feel all that bad now. I doubt that the Lyme and the ensuing symptoms are the result of my thoughts. I am not saying this is impossible. I simply doubt the theory.
Illness can be psychosomatic. Illnesses are often brought on by stress. Negative thinking patterns are certainly unhealthy. At the same time, all of us experience illness. We show love to ourselves and others by responding to illness with compassion. As we progress spiritually, we learn to accept phenomena rather than resisting. I love acceptance and what it can do for me. I feel better when I accept temporary and even permanent discomfort rather than resisting with my will, my feelings and my thoughts. I don’t like the dualistic view that puts illness and death at odds with wellness and life.
Most likely you have heard of or read Louise Hay. She is a revolutionary healer, teacher and writer. Metaphysicians, alternative healers and holistic minded people everywhere respect her work. She has authored multiple best sellers. In her books, You Can Heal Your Body and You Can Heal Your Life, she has a fairly comprehensive List of physical ailments followed by their probable mental causes and recommended affirmations for overcoming the ailments. Like many alternative healers, she refers to illness as “dis-ease,” a condition that disrupts the natural state of ease. She does not have a cause listed for Lyme dis-ease, but she does address malaria, a related illness. The probable cause of malaria in Hay’s List is, “Out of balance with nature and with life.” On an unrelated note, her listed probable cause for fistula is, “Fear. A blockage in the letting-go process.” If you have not heard of fistula, you may want to google it. I donate to a wonderful charity for this dis-ease: http://www.fightfistula.org/
The term “dis-ease” calls to mind the Four Noble Truths of Dukkha in Buddhist teachings. The philosophical meaning of dukkha is analogous to “disquietude,” as in the condition of being disturbed. The term is usually translated as suffering. Here is a definition from Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta: Setting the Wheel of Dharma in Motion: “Now this, monks, is the Noble Truth of dukkha: Birth is dukkha, aging is dukkha, death is dukkha; sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief, & despair are dukkha; association with the unbeloved is dukkha; separation from the loved is dukkha; not getting what is wanted is dukkha. In short, the five clinging-aggregates are dukkha.”
My approach to overcoming disquietude of any form is to accept it and find peace through meditation, prayer, yoga and other spiritual practices. I also try to pinpoint any thoughts that may contribute to disquietude, but I don’t have a set of affirmations or a plan to combat bodily discomfort through changing my thoughts. I accept some of my negative thoughts and feelings. I don’t particularly like dualism so I try not to spend too much time parsing out the good and bad in my mind. I feel that this could lead to obsessive thoughts and behaviors. I like the idea of letting go of thoughts, even if I am rarely able to do so.
I accept dis-ease as part of life. I am grateful for the opportunity that illness provides to care for myself and my loved ones with more love and diligence.
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